I’m Not Going to Make It
I have this thought at least once a day. When it gets really bad I give up on everything, stay in my pj’s and watch netflix and just give up trying. It usually lasts an hour or so and then I find my drive again. My goal. My why. For me it’s my kids. I want to leave them something. I just doubt how much I will be able to if I’m honest.
I’m following my plan, but like everyone else, each week there seems to be something that has to be paid or replaced. I still haven’t worked up enough of an emergency fund yet and getting there just seems impossible on some days. But by the end of the week, if I do have anything left over, even if it’s just $10.00, I put it into my savings account and start again.
I’m working towards multiple goals right now because sadly I have a lot of time on my hands so I feel this is the best time to set myself up for the future. I’m working on a few websites, a book and my ebay store. Each weekend I spend a few hours on each project. Some weekends are better than others.
I’ve said before I’m a high achiever and I put a LOT of pressure on myself and every day I walk away disappointed that I didn’t get X done. I’m very hard on myself and this starts a spiral of an attack on my self confidence. I’m kidding myself. This is never going to work. You’re wasting time. You should be out earning more money.
Lately I’ve been taking a step back and looking at what I did achieve each day. I wrote two posts, listed 20 items and learned some stuff. Good job.
It’s easy to give up. Much easier to give up than to persevere. But persevere I must. My kids need me to keep going so that they will have something to fall back on. I want to make sure they have housing and food when I’m not here so if I can provide a safety net and nest egg for that purpose, then that is my goal going forward.
I did however dream of one day being able to travel and not have to go to a day job. I’ve worked at home before and I found it way too isolating so I don’t think I will be doing that again exclusively. But I did have a lovely daydream of going to Europe and Canada, knowing my kids are adults and able to care for themselves.
I think I need to think about these things more. What do I want for myself as well? Give myself a little reward for the hard work. As a mother I have found it quite difficult to put my needs first, but heading toward 60 it may be time to do just a little bit of that as well.
If I don’t make it, I can’t finish this sentence. I have to make it. It is not optional.
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