The Pressure to Win
I don’t know about other writers, but I tend to write best when I know no-one is reading. Conversely though, I want everyone to read what I wrote. I want to reach into their hearts and squeeze tight and make you cry for my characters, cheer when they win, laugh when they’re funny. I started thinking this morning though, ‘What if I’m successful? Will I be able to stand the pressure? Will it change me?”
I think these questions paralyse others as well from taken action on their goals and starting their creative project. Fear of success is just as real as fear of failure. Failing is easy. Look at me I’ve done it multiple times. I tasted social media success a long time ago and as it started to build, I crumbled under the pressure.
All these years later I wonder if and how it would change what I wrote. Whether the pressure to write something significant or ‘shareable’ will also paralyse me?
The underlying thing to all of this is the need to write, regardless of whether anyone reads it or not. I have hundreds and things I’ve written and many of those have never seen the light of day and probably will never see it. I still write it though because I woke up with the idea, something came to me, I wrote pages and pages of stuff I have thrown away, deleted, shredded, cringed over.
When I ask myself “what if I write a best seller? Will I be able to write another” is kind of met with a deep dive of my stomach. Do I want to put my work out there to be judged and if successful will I be judged again for my next unsuccessful work?
Analysis paralysis. I hear you.
The thing is, these thoughts have kept me trapped for decades now. Now as I can see the end of my life within some sort of distance these fears are allaying and I have adopted a complete fuck it mentality. I’ve already lost everything – a couple of times actually in my lifetime so far – and managed to keep going so I don’t know what these fears are really based on except plain irrationality.
I know they exist in others as well.
For me, I’m just diving in again and success or failure, I will stay alone in my room, writing what I want to, filming my videos and hopefully helping someone along the way and providing some form of entertainment. The only legacy I want to leave is for my kids and I think I have already taught them a lot of what they need to know but I want to make sure I leave them enough money so they can pay rent for the rest of their lives.
When I look at my remaining life goals, they are not huge in comparison. I feel they are so achievable it’s what keeps me getting up everyday because I can honestly feel how close they are and all I have to do is keep writing, keep reselling, keep going and I’ll get there.
So the pressure I feel about succeeding is probably the realisation that all my beliefs and efforts have come to pass and I made it – and then what?
Then, I can sit on my beach and sip my wine and read a good book – and then write about what I thought about it – because I don’t think the words and thoughts are going to stop for me until my heart stops beating. I hope I have a few decades left.
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